


how beautiful it felt

by quaffleswithsyrup



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confrontations, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Werewolf Remus Lupin, Werewolf Reveal, and the found family trope is just, i am sorry but i love these boys, no wolfstar i'm sorry, they do not need to have any romantic relationships just yet, they're twelve, yes i know this is really really short but i couldn't think of anywhere else for it to go, you can pry it from my cold dead hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:42:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23844655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quaffleswithsyrup/pseuds/quaffleswithsyrup
Summary: remus lupin is a werewolf and his friends confront him about it.or: remus lupin cries a lot for various reasons.
Relationships: Remus Lupin & James Potter, Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter
Comments: 5
Kudos: 91





	how beautiful it felt

**Author's Note:**

> yes this same thing has been written a million times before don't @ me

They knew. They knew, and Remus knew they knew.

  
But they were all going around in one big circle of pretending they didn't.

  
It wasn't like Remus could blame them, really. He couldn't blame them for not sitting near him at meals anymore, and he couldn't blame them for planning all their pranks without him, and he couldn't blame them for not coming back to the dorm till late at night, when they knew he'd be asleep. He couldn't blame them, because who was he to say he wouldn't have done the exact same thing?

  
He had known it would happen eventually. He just hadn't known how badly it would hurt when it did.

  
Remus could see it in their eyes. How scared they were of him. How terrified. He avoided saying anything to them now, because every time he looked at them he saw it. The raw horror in their faces. The pure, unadulterated fear.

  
It was horrible.

  
Sirius had found him crying in the bathroom a few days ago. Remus was leaning against the wall, face buried in his hands. He was sitting there alone, breaking into far too many pieces to be put back together again. And then Sirius saw him, and they made eye contact, and for just a moment Sirius looked stricken.

  
And then he turned and ran from the bathroom.

  
They weren't going to come tell him they knew, because if they did, if he confirmed it, they'd have to admit to themselves that it was true. And then the fear would increase tenfold. Because if it was true? Then he was dangerous. He could kill them.

  
And Remus wasn't going to tell them he knew they knew because he was still (foolishly) holding on to the tiniest sliver of hope.

  
Remus remembered the exact moment he realized they knew. He tried to forget it every day. But he remembered. They had been sitting in the Great Hall together, eating dinner, and the other three boys were talking amongst themselves. And Remus lightly tapped James's hand, just so he could ask James to pass the peas, and James flinched away so aggressively that Remus just knew. He recognized that reaction.

  
It was fear.

  
Of course he knew it was coming. He'd always been a bad liar. How many times could he kill off his grandma, or say his mother was sick, before they started to get suspicious? Three of his aunts had died now. It was almost lazy, really.

  
But he hadn't planned for this. He hadn't planned to have friends. To have people he needed to hide this from. He hadn't planned to come to Hogwarts at all. And when he'd gotten here, he thought he'd just do his work and then graduate. Nothing in between.

  
But then he'd met James and Sirius and Peter, and they planned pranks together, and they hid from McGonagall together, and they told jokes together, and they ate together and lived together and loved each other.

  
And Remus didn't understand how much he appreciated them until now. Because now he didn't have them. And it was the worst pain he'd ever gone through. Worse than any scratch or bite, worse than any transformation. He would have been fine on his own if he'd never met them. But now that he knew what it felt like to have them, he didn't know how he'd live through five more years without them. It had been a week, and it already hurt so much.

  
He knew he was pathetic.

  
Besides, he probably wouldn't even be at Hogwarts for five more years. Maybe not even another month. The boys would tell the whole school at some point, and all the kids would tell their parents, and Remus would have to leave. Even if they didn't tell the school, they'd force Remus to drop out. They didn't want to go to school with someone like him.

  
With a monster.

  
The full moon was tomorrow. Remus knew it was going to be a bad one. It was always worse when he was stressed or upset. He knew he would come back to class on Wednesday with a new scar or two, maybe on his face, and James and Sirius and Peter would see him in class and they'd be reminded all over again of who he was. What he was.

  
He could feel the tears building up again.

  
It was almost time for dinner. Remus had been in the common room working on his Transfiguration essay for two and a half hours. He couldn't concentrate. He glanced down at the paper and saw that he'd only written about seven sentences. Not even half a foot of parchment. He shook his head, wiped his eyes, and stood to go to his dorm. He couldn't stand another dinner sitting in the Great Hall alone, and he couldn't stand sitting here in silence anymore. He knew he looked awful, pale and gaunt, with dark circles under his eyes. He felt awful too. He wouldn't be able to get to sleep tonight, not with the insomnia that plagues him near the full moons. He'd just have to lie there, alone with his thoughts.

  
Those weren't fun.

  
Remus trudged through the common room, exhausted and nauseous and breaking inside. He passed Lily on the way. She waved, and then looked closer at him. She was suddenly taken aback, probably at how sick he looked. "Are you all right?" she asked him, seeming worried. He assured her that he was fine (no he wasn't) and then went up the staircase to the boys' dormitories.

When he got to his room, he sank onto his bed.

  
Deep breaths.

  
He knew he should try to get a few hours of sleep. He'd be miserable tomorrow if he didn't. So he stripped his robes off and threw them into a corner, wadded up. James had told him a million times he needed to be more organized.

  
James.

  
Remus pulled on his pajamas. It was warm in their room, but his pajamas were long-sleeved and high-necked so he could cover his scars. He didn't really have to worry about that anymore, but all his pajamas were like this. He had been getting so used to the idea that he would have to hide this forever. Used to the idea that he would have them forever.

  
He climbed under his sheets and closed his eyes, squeezed them tightly enough that little bright flecks started to fill the darkness. He was tired. Not only physically, but also emotionally. He was just tired of all of it. Of having to lie to his best friends, and then losing everything anyway. Of having to face constant prejudice and hatred. Of having to do it, over and over again, every single day.

  
Remus somehow fell asleep. He didn't dream, which he was grateful for. He usually had terrible nightmares in the days leading up to the full moon (when he could manage to sleep). But tonight his head was empty. Maybe even his brain was afraid of the nightmares it could give him. Or maybe even his brain knew that no nightmare could be as bad as the one Remus was living through.

  
Either way, peace.

  
It didn't last. Remus woke up in the middle of the night. The world was dark, and he was groggy and sore. He was exhausted. There was a faint light shining through his curtain, and he wasn't quite sure what it was, at first, but then he remembered that the moon could be especially bright sometimes. He knew that better than anybody else after seven years.

  
But tonight the light wasn't the moon. The curtains around his bed were yanked back suddenly, and three people stood there, shaking with terror. The bright glow came from their wands, which were all lit at the tips. Lumos maxima.

  
Remus couldn't see their faces very well at first, with the light shining directly into his eyes. But he knew immediately who they were. James. Sirius. Peter. Come to confront him at last.

  
At least they could all stop pretending now.

  
Sirius was the first to speak. "We know what you are." He was trembling.

  
Remus wanted to cry. He held up two shaking arms. Surrender.

  
"Don't move again or I'll use it," James said quickly, thrusting his wand out. His voice didn't sound malicious, or angry. He just sounded afraid.

  
That was what hurt the most, and Remus let out a sob.

  
Peter looked taken aback, and his wand lowered slightly. "Remus..."

  
"I'm sorry," Remus said, choking on his words a little bit. The tears were building even more in his eyes, and his voice was getting thicker. He knew he would start bawling soon, bawling like a little baby, and then they would be both disgusted with him and embarrassed for him. It would be miserable. "I'm so, so sorry. I didn't... I didn't mean to hurt you or..." He couldn't finish his sentence. It was taking all he had not to drop his head into his knees and sob relentlessly.

  
James was staring at him, unnerved. "You lied to us," he said. "You lied because you wanted to hurt us. You were going to kill us, weren't you? That's what all the books say. That people like you are dangerous."

  
"You were just pretending to be our friend this whole time," Sirius said, fidgeting uncomfortably. "You just wanted to... to convince us that you were like us. You wanted us to let our guard down."

  
Merlin. Was that what they thought of him? Remus let out a helpless laugh, but it came out wrong through his tears, and it sounded like sorrow. How could they possibly know that he hadn't been pretending? That he had wanted them more than anything in life?

  
"Guys, I don't know," Peter said anxiously, his eyes fixed on Remus's face. "Maybe we should... Maybe those books were wrong."

  
Remus almost couldn't breathe, but he had to try and get the words out. "Say it," he asked, tears flooding down his face. "Would you just say it please? That way we don't all have to -- have to keep pretending and -- and dancing around it. Please just say it, or... or I'll have to."

  
There was a pause, and then:

  
"You're a werewolf," Sirius said, and although he sounded afraid, he also sounded certain. "It makes sense. It's a game of connect-the-dots, Remus. You thought we weren't going to figure it out?"

  
Peter was looking around the room wildly. His gaze kept coming back to Remus, broken and unsure.

  
"No, I knew you would." Remus was barely intelligible now through his gasping sobs. "I -- I knew it was coming. But I... I wanted to pretend because... you three are -- you three are all I've ever wanted since I met you and I didn't want you to... to leave, ever. So I lied. But don't... Don't worry. I know now that I'm not -- that I don't deserve anything like this, and I... I'll pack up in the morning." He closed his eyes and suddenly he wasn't loudly crying anymore. Suddenly he was silent, resigned to the tears that were betraying him, dripping slowly down his pale face.

  
"Merlin," Peter said, and he stuck his wand in his pocket. "Merlin, Re, I'm so stupid." He climbed onto Remus's bed, throwing his arms around him. "I don't know why I went with this bloody stupid plan."

  
Remus flinched away. "What... What are you talking about?" he asked slowly, shuddering. "You guys -- were right. I'm... dangerous and I shouldn't... I shouldn't be around... around humans. It isn't safe. I could -- I could hurt you -- guys."

  
"No," Peter said, looking miserable. "Oh, Re. I'm so sorry. I hope you can find it in you to forgive me, mate. I'm not quite sure what I was thinking. You're not a monster. You aren't dangerous. You're Remus. You're... You're you, mate. You're one of my best friends and I just -- I don't know what I was thinking." He hugged Remus again, so tightly that it Remus let out a small gasp of breath. "I'm so sorry."

  
"Are you... Really?" Remus hesitantly inched closer to Peter, wiping some of his tears away. "You really don't hate me? Pete -- I would... I'd understand if you want to kick me out. I'm... I know what I am."

  
"I do too, Re. You're one of the best mates I've ever had."

  
For a few minutes, the two sat in silence, and Remus wanted to cry even harder, but he didn't want to get Peter's shirt wet.

  
And then from behind them:

  
"Re, I'm so sorry." Remus looked up at the sound of James's voice, and there were James and Sirius, lowering their wands, looking sheepish and ashamed.

  
"Me too," Sirius said, his voice thick. "I didn't... I forgot. It's just that me and James grew up learning all that bullshit about werewolves and so the natural conclusion..."

  
"... was to assume," James finished, looking down. "I'm just really, really sorry. You don't have to forgive me. Any of us. We're all such big dumbasses. We thought we knew everything just because of what a book said. But you're Remus Lupin, you're our best friend. And... And of course you aren't dangerous or anything."

  
Remus couldn't believe what he was hearing. He smiled slowly, tears still pooling in his eyes. "Are you -- Are you kidding? I'm... You don't have to be sorry," he said, his voice cracking a little bit. "Are you really not going to have me kicked out? I can -- move to a different dorm, or -- "

  
"No, Re, we want you to stay," Peter said. "We really want you to stay."

  
"Seconded," James said, at the same time that Sirius said, "Yeah." James moved forward to climb onto the bed with Remus and Peter, and he threw his arm around Remus. "I love you big time, Re," he said. "And I'm sorry I ever thought for a moment that I shouldn't."

  
And then Sirius was coming forward, too, to rub Remus's head affectionately. Remus didn't miss the slight hesitation in touching him, and it stung. But it was a million times more than what he could have hoped for. "Yeah," Sirius said quietly. "Me too. Love you, Remus."

  
"I love you, too," Peter said, pulling Remus into another bone-crushing hug.

  
Remus didn't know what to say, what to think. "I... I love you guys, too," he said, grinning through his tears. "I love you guys so much. Thank -- Thank you." He rubbed his hand across his face aggressively, hoping to hide the fact that he was an emotional sap who was going to start bawling again if they didn't cut it out with all the "I love you" stuff.

  
Remus hadn't expected anything like this. He hadn't planned to have friends, and he especially hadn't planned to have friends who knew what he was. And he definitely hadn't expected them to stay.

  
But he also hadn't expected how beautiful it felt when they did.

**Author's Note:**

> NOTES. okay. here we go. this one has a lot strap in boys
> 
> before you absolutely destroy me, yes, i do think this is how it went down. these boys grew up in the wizarding world, where we know that werewolves are seen as monsters and inferior. fuck, even remus's dad refers to them as "evil, soulless, and deserving nothing but death." so yeah, i do think that the boys were a lil bit prejudiced at first, especially sirius. he grew up in the black household, enough said. it takes a long time to shake that kind of bias. repeat after me: not only bad people have prejudice. i think that's like something rly important to show, especially in media. (and yeah, i do think pete was the first one to come around. and yeah, i do love all my children, okay? including peter. he was a marauder too)
> 
> okay with that out of the way, i wrote like half of this like......months ago and just found it in my drafts and finished it in like one night?? which is why it starts out very slow and (relatively) good and then turns into a shitfest???? i really do hope you enjoyed it though! if you did, pretty please leave a comment >3 i will read it like twelve million times per day i promise, comments and feedback are what fic authors feed on
> 
> (also yes maybe i stole a little bit of the end dialogue from starship, but in my defense, i've watched it three times this week and it was just kind of like in my head and i didn't realize how similar remus's dialogue was to bug's until i read through it and then i didn't feel like changing it)


End file.
